I often forget about this little space here where we can write to our little hearts content. To be honest I haven't been on any of my photography social media sites in a while minus facebook. Everyone kind of gets trapped in the facebook world. I wish I didn't have so many connections and friends there otherwise I'd be gone from the facebook-verse. I have a feeling I am going to ramble here for a little bit but I thought it might be a good place to ramble. I am among so many artists here that I am sure someone will relate or have words of wisdom to share with me.
The last couple of months I have been having a hard time figuring out what photography means to me anymore. I know I love it, I know it's buried so deep within me now that I could never escape it. It has me in it's cold sharp grip and it refuses to let me go. It's the highs and lows that are becoming more frustrating as time passes and the fact that photography as an art has grown from this medium of exploration and trying to achieve to this big bad world of marketing, having to be so fascinating and featured and well known in order to be published or hired. It's exhausting. It's exhausting to keep up with all the latest blogs and what's trending. I just feel like when I first started taking images more seriously (in 2008) that things were just way less complicated.
Maybe it's just me?? I don't know. Maybe it's because I am no longer a 19 year old eager girl running around my house with my 15 year old sister shooting like crazy. Maybe it's because in March I will be 28 and I still feel like that 19 year old girl... sometimes even younger. I have been in that head space of thinking I needed to prove myself to this photographic world. I just can't live there and I started to make steps in the right direction out of that world a few years back. I threw my hands up in the air and said "screw it, I'm going to shoot what I want and that's that" (when it comes to personal work). However, when all your bombarded with on the daily is so much imagery, so much achievement from others it starts to bring you down.
I wrote a blog post a while back (which I'll link at the bottom) about how everything we see online is just like a figment of someone else's imaginary world. It's what other people want us to see. How they want to be perceived and even I am not excluded from this.
I think I am changing, and every time change happens I think it's a bit sad in a way. I always thought I was good at embracing change but now I see in a way that there is some change that I find hard. It's like death in a way. Not in the most literal sense but in a way that something has died and something new is being reborn. There is always sadness in this thought. When I was 13 I changed. I was a good girl always doing everything right. I was kind and spirited but I started hanging out with the bad girls and that changed me.
When I was 15 I was way too rebellious for my own good. I got into a relationship with an older guy. I was running away from home escaping out of my bedroom window at 3am to be with him and our friends. All I cared about was partying and being away from home for days on end. My parents were infuriated. I didn't care I wanted to be free. I wanted to explore everything and everyone. I once went to a house party that lasted three days. I will let you imagine what happens when a bunch of 13-19 year old's are left to party in a house for three days straight. I remember there being only tiny pieces of cereal left to eat. I was hungry and tired and desperately needed to shower but I didn't care.
I wish now that I had been a photographer then as I am now. I did take pictures, but not in the way that I now wish I had. I even had a film camera and would develop my own film at school. Yet it never clicked. I think those would have been the glory days. I think I would have been able to capture so much teen angst and stories like no other had I just been more interested in something other then partying and being faded all the time.
Life went on like that for awhile, then 18 hit and the death of my teenage years was upon me. My heart no longer wanted all the things it used to. However, one day the clouds parted and the sun shone on my face so brightly that I knew everything was going to be okay.
When my husband Adam and I started dating he bought me my first dslr and so began this part of me. I had no idea what would come. I had no idea that creativity that I was capable of. The fear, the adventure, the ideas, the love, the passion, the anger, the rejection, the criticism, the feeling of being alone in my mind, the feeling of seeing something come right to life in front of my eyes, the praise, the friendships, the joy, the money, the lack of money, the travel.....Taking pictures has changed my life in so many dramatic ways.
So here I am, almost 28 soon that will be 30 and I will be stepping into completely new territory. Will I and my work be relevant? am I even relevant? Have I even been relevant? I have no clue. I seriously have no clue at all.
Making photography a business has been the hardest part for me. Making pictures has been the easiest. With those thoughts I have started to consider seriously finding a career path that isn't photographing. I would NEVER stop photographing, but I just don't know if it will always be the way I make my bread and butter. Though I wish that it somehow will be. I have had a few successful years and I do still have wonderful clients. However, there is always that grey area where I wonder if I would be happier just telling stories as a hobby. I want to be able to tell stories as a job and hobby but that's where it all gets complicated.
I think I have been rambling too much now...... I am never ungrateful for the opportunities I have had. I just wish that photography would come back in full force like it did in the beginning. Does anybody else feel this way?? Is the spark fading? Has the world of photography really changed that much or have I just changed?
.....sorry for my rambles... as promised the blog post: danielamajicphotography.com/ko…